The Houston Chronicle reports, in somewhat creepy fashion, that allegedly disgruntled Astros RHP Roy Oswalt will do pretty much anything in his power to avoid a trip to the South Side:

Oswalt isn’t talking publicly about any trade speculation, but the Chronicle has learned that Oswalt would invoke his no-trade clause if the White Sox attempted to acquire him.

Oswalt has a no-trade clause, and if he ever waived it to go play in Chicago it would be with the Cubs and not the White Sox.

Again, any player’s inexplicable preference of employment with the Cubs over the Sox certainly stings, but Oswalt’s case at least makes a little more sense – but those things considered, suggests something a little more mean-spirited. And hilarious.

Oswalt, for the record, has pitched terribly at Wrigley. Ninety-four hits, 44 runs and 11 homers allowed in 82.1 innings, good for a 12-11 record and 4.81 ERA – and that’s including having the chance to feast upon the lame Cubs teams of 2004, 2005 and 2006. So it can’t be the simple thrill of pitching in Wrigley Field.

Conversely, of all teams in the NL Central, Oswalt’s had a worse run against the Cubs than he has against anyone else: 12-12 with a 3.90 ERA which, by themselves, are fine numbers but become astronomical in the context of number 44’s entire body of work. But if the goal was merely to improve his line, chances are he’d be begging to head to either the Dodgers or Giants, as both have had their way with Oswalt for some time now.

Perhaps he finds an irresistible pull towards the history-rich tradition of the Chicago Cubs baseball club, noted throughout the land as the model of how to win – and how to keep winning. (Ha!)

Or perhaps – and how awesome would this be? – he has sworn revenge on the club that shamed him that fateful October night in 2005, taking a vow in blood that all future successes would only be considered as such should they come at the expense of that very club. Perhaps Oswalt realizes a move to the division rival Cubs would insult not just the White Sox but also those Houston Astros who have failed to deliver whatever it is they were supposed to deliver.

Or, you know, maybe he just realizes the National League is still an easier place to pitch and joining the Cubs is an easy way to get famous. Whatever the case, Oswalt is a fine pitcher and seemingly nice person, so here’s hoping he finds success wherever he lands. Unless he lands with the Cubs, in which case may every flyball drop, every bounce go bad and may every wind perpetually blow.