The Most Crucial Series Ever

Ozzie Guillen calls it “very important.” Brian Anderson calls it a big one, but only under certain conditions. Jermaine Dye is all like, hey, man, we come here to win all the time.

But what, really, might this week’s cricket match with the Tigers have in store? Let us consider the many woeful possibilities:

Five-game sweep by Detroit. Game over, season over, pack it in and trade everyone for anything. Maybe it’s only June, but so what? One could argue that we don’t necessarily know the Tigers will win the division, although this line of thinking only serves to make the situation worse; if the Sox can’t beat an AL Central loser, who can they beat? (Hint: not other AL Central losers.)

Detroit takes four. See above. but put the word “almost” before the words “over,” “everyone,” “anything,” “worse” and “beat.”

Detroit takes three. You know what winning two of five works out to? A run of .400 baseball against, as postulated above, just another loser. Cancel September, but still play the August games because grinder, grit, long season and what-have-you.

Sox take four. This makes the Chicago White Sox not just a .500 team in a terrible division, but a .500 team tied for the lead of a terrible division. All told, this might be the best outcome as the Sox get to threaten greatness without actually having to be great, momentarily assuage our fears of bearing witness to a 2007 Part II: Andy’s Revenge, and give themselves the chance to remain “competitive” by merely remaining “competent.”

Sox sweep the Tigers. It is accomplished! Start printing playoff tickets – the Team of Destiny rides again!