Paging Carl Wollarski

Dewayne Wise? Dewayne Wise can handle whatever you’re throwing at him.

(Wise, by the way, should know the venom directed at him has less to do with his .150 average and more with the fact the White Sox haven’t been able to find a permanent center fielder since 2005. That said, a .150 average never silenced any player’s critics.)

Josh Fields? Josh Fields just wants answers and a chance.

(Fields, you may recall, was once heralded the future of baseball and while no one expected him to play Gold Glove-caliber defense or threaten to outslug the likes of Jim Thome, a league-leading eight errors and tremendous dropoff in offensive production never helped anyone’s cause, regardless of organizational confusion around Ballplayer 2.0.)

Ozzie Guillen? Ozzie Guillen does not give a flying **** what comes out of that ***** **** **** of yours.

(To his credit, Guillen has kept the team almost treading water without much of a team to manage, although under his watch the Sox themselves have ranged from untouchable to this year’s inexplicable second-place-and-two-under. With little more than that One Awesome Year [2008 doesn’t count] under his belt, it seems Guillen has become Chicago baseball’s answer to Mike Ditka, forever invincible in the eyes of his followers, the masses still basking in the victorious glow of what happened Once Upon A Time. We’re talkin’ minimum eight-peat here, Bob.)

Three men, three different reasons to be mad at fans and media, and yet throughout the land only two of them will be lambasted for it. This, friends, is the power that comes with bringing something good to a sports city so inexplicably starved for reasons to celebrate. Must be a Chicago thing:

The Hawks and Bulls got crushed by old, broken-down Red Wings and Celtics teams? Let’s just cherish the fact they were even allowed into the playoffs.

The Bears got a mighty quarterback who might not have anyone to pass to? Dude, I’m gonna buy a jersey.

The Cubs might be the worst franchise in the history of sports? That’s OK. This one time, I totally drank some beers at Wrigley Field and went to this bar that had, like, Cubs stuff in it.

The Sox have finally turned on us? Man, 2005 was awesome.