. . .and after much hype, bile and seething rage, this is how the official South Side Baseball guesses have played out:
D’Backs vs. Cubs: D’Backs Sweep was correct
Rockies vs. Phillies: Phillies in 4 was incorrect
Angels vs. Red Sox: Angels in 4 was incorrect
Yankees vs. Indians: Yankees in 5 was incorrect
Indians vs. Red Sox: Indians in 6 was incorrect (but should have been right)
D’Backs vs. Rockies: D’Backs in 6 was incorrect
That’s pretty bad. That’s a .167 average bad. We’re talking Andy Gonzales bad, right down to the errors…save for one as The Skinner didn’t happen until Game 7 of the ALCS.
So now what? Considering the only accurate guess so far was one borne entirely out of pure hatred for one of the teams, it’s down to the Rox Their Sox Off World Series and we all owe it to ourselves to hope, wish, pray and beg that the Red Sox lose. Why, you ask, must we do such things? A few reasons to inspire:
- Boston last won in 2004; Colorado’s never even been.
- New Englanders have the Patriots and can now boast one of the greatest front courts ever assembled in NBA history; Denver’s only claim to fame is beating the Browns a few times.
- Boston Magazine’s chief advertisers include Rolls Royce and two different Armani operations; Modern Drunkard Magazine, the finest publication out of Denver, promotes discount absinthe importers and local dive bars.
- If the Red Sox win, Curt Schilling will be a Yankee before Opening Day; if the Red Sox lose, Curt Schilling will be a Yankee before Thanksgiving.
- Remember those 11 games Josh “The Dragon Slayer” Fogg apepared in for the 2001 White Sox? 2.03 ERA. 17 strikeouts in 13.3 innings. Those were awesome.
- Manny Being Jackass.
- Jonathan Papelbon doing a jig on the field after Game 7. We do not need that on national television again.
- Dane Cook, Red Sox fan. “You know how like, you’ll be riding your bike and it’ll be like, Hey, I’m riding my bike, you know? And then you’ll see your friend and he’ll be like, ‘Hey, why are you riding your bike?’ And you’ll be like, it’s my bike. My b-ike, with two wheels. I call it my 2-ike. And I’m rollin’ on it. That’s how I roll. SuFi!” NoFu.
- Psychotic and nonsensical fans who flock to crumbling hellhole ballparks deserve the heartbreak that’s coming to them.
- Number of times the Celtics have won the NBA championship: 16. Number of times the Nuggets have won the NBA championship: 0.
- Signature food of Massachusetts: clams and haddock. Signature food of Colorado: Coors Light.
- Median household income in Boston: $39,629. Median household income in Denver: $39,500. That’s a lot of Coors Light right there.
- Boston’s most famous namesake is a fictional boozehound who writes how-to books for young bartenders. Denver’s most famous namesake died when the experimental-design plane he was flying crashed.
So we must go forth, White Sox faithful. The way God hates Cleveland sports, we too must go forth and hate the Boston Red Sox with every ounce of righteous, petty sports contempt we can find within our souls. The Lord may work in mysterious ways, but with the Tribe done for we may have to do the rest of the work ourselves.