All-Star voting, as you may have heard, is already underway. Good thing too, as there are only, what 100-something days left until the American League defends its title against its hated archrival, the National League.
Anyway, in light of last year’s disastrous meeting of far too many Cubs and Red Sox representatives, we’ve assembled the following handy guide to choosing the proper player for each league and position:
C: Corky Miller. A cool name and an opportunity to give the passive-aggressive middle finger to a Minnesota Twin. A highly talented and seemingly nice Twin, but a Twin all the same.
1B: Paul Konerko. Why not? He’s raking right now, and any chance to laugh at the Tigers is a chance worth taking.
2B: Not Dustin Pedroia. Self-explanatory. Stupid Red Sox.
3B: Evan Longoria. If not for him, that could have been Javier Vazquez on the mound last night. HAHA, oh, wait.
SS: Elvis Andrus. See Corky Miller above, but swap “New York Yankee” for “Minnesota Twin.”
OF: Carlos Quentin, Ichiro Suzuki, Dewayne Wise. Quentin was robbed last year, and a little-known MLB rule actually requires Ichiro be in the starting lineup, but Wise? Wise just needs the vote of confidence. Past years showed A.J. Pierzynski and Scott Podsednik snuck in just fine, but Wise’s inclusion would show Sox fans have not just the strength but the actual brute force to match their numbers and willingness to cast the same vote 10,000 times apiece.
1B: Albert Pujols. Does this really need an explanation?
C, 2B, 3B, SS: Whatever. On one hand, it seems laughable to just field the Cubs, which the
lemmings masses probably will; on the other hand, it would be nice to know the AL effectively trounced the Small Bears. It’d be like the Patriots playing the NFC in the Pro Bowl, except the Patriots lose. And their constant boasting and fans’ sense of entitlement is actually justified by their ability to actually win when it matters. And they don’t play their home games in a toilet.
OF: Ryan Ludwick, Carlos Beltran, Milton Bradley. If you’re going to send a bust of a Cub acquisition, you’ve got to go all the way. Last year’s election of Kosuke Fukudome was a step in the right direction, but Bradley’s injury and abysmal start give the world a chance to kick the Cubs when they’re both up and down.
Now get out there and exercise your rights. The fate of someone else’s World Series depends on it.