Your Guide To Clutching At The Last Hateful Straws Of The 2009 Season

With the Sox’ elimination number cruelly stuck at two (possibly down to one should Cleveland roll over and die tonight), it’s time to step back and take an objective look at how to be happy for fans of the Twins or Tigers as one or the other makes its way into the postseason.

Actually, no, let’s just rip on them on some weird intellectual level and hope for the absolute worst fate imaginable to befall their franchise. Here’s how!

If you wish to cheer for the team most likely to be murdered out of the playoffs as quickly as possible. . .

Let’s face it, the Twins and Tigers are both awful, awful teams, but the Twins have Glad Bag Stadium on their side and arguably the greatest home-field advantage in the history of sports. Could the Twins surprise everyone and take down the Yankees? Probably not, but the Tigers are just laughable enough to get swept by said Bombers.

. . . you should root for the: Tigers.

If you wish to align yourself with common rivals. . .

You know who hates the Twins? White Sox fans. You know who hates the Tigers? Also White Sox fans. So that’s kind of a wash, but this year we at least have the National Football League on our side instead of Jamie Burke. The Tigers are probably just as equally loathed by Indians fans, but that’s only because Indians fans tend to live in Cleveland and, as we’ve learned in these parts, that’s grounds to lash out at just about anyone.

. . . you should root for the: Twins.

If you wish to curse out another city’s baseball franchise rather than acknowledge the sad, sad fact that the 2009 White Sox were doomed from the beginning and now the best we can all hope for is to spitefully head down to The Joan this weekend to watch the ship sink beneath the waves for good. . .

. . . you should root for the: fiery winds of apocalypse to crush this all to the ground while eagerly awaiting yet another wild roster overhaul to result in sadness and failure, grinder/grit/2005 and whatnot. Team of Destiny!

8 thoughts on “Your Guide To Clutching At The Last Hateful Straws Of The 2009 Season”

  1. Steve is correct. For some reason I find it easier to call the Sox’ ballpark something stupid than I do to call it by its proper name. “Cellphone Stadium,” for example.

  2. It’s Comiskey Park. The Cusacks are front-runners. Anyway, it doesn’t matter if it’s Twins or Tigers, they won’t get past the first round anyway. What would ESPN or Fox do if the Yankees didn’t advance?

  3. Well, they’ll (probably) still have the Red Sox, although the spiteful side of me is semi-hoping to see an Angels-ALC Champ ALCS in which the Angels sweep the Tigers/Twins. Although that requires wanting one of those two midwestern loser clubs to win. Which I don’t. And can’t.

    I feel so torn over the whole thing. Go Dodgers!

  4. Good riddance to that gawdawful dome. The new stadium is looking good in Minneapolis. Hopefully it will usher in a new age of basement dwelling for its tenants.

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