Man, I’m Going to Cut You Up So Bad, That You. . . You Gonna Wish I Didn’t Cut You Up So Bad.

The mainstream media, as they like to do, have pounced on the juicy and salacious details of Joe Torre’s forthcoming book chronicling his years at the helm of the New York Yankees.

Torre “takes aim at A-Rod, George Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman,” reports the New York Post.

Torre “need[ed] to do the very thing that would cause [him] to write off a similarly chatty – and greedy – player under [his] stewardship,” writes the New York Daily News.

You can understand their sensitivities, what with those Yankees giving so many good times to the people in New York and whatnot. Torre calls out those beloved players? Digs up dirt on the executives who built one of the mightiest dynasties in the history of sports? Really? Well, actually no: Tom Verducci wrote that book, not Torre.

Wait, you mean columnists overreacted to some news without being fully informed and speculating recklessly about a book not even available to the reading public yet? Shocking.

But in the spirit of participation and belonging, of the crazy, lawless web following the lead of the responsible, unfaltering mainstream sports media, allow us to present these shocking revelations from the forthcoming book “The @*#& White Sox Years” by Ozzie Guillen and yours truly, recalling the 2004-2008 dynasty which won an unprecedented one World Series:

  • During a May 10, 2006 game against the Angels, late-inning defensive sub Ross Gload asked Guillen for the score, to which Guillen responded: “12-6.”
  • Jim Thome’s nickname around the clubhouse was “Jim.”
  • A.J. Pierzynski’s nickname around the clubhouse was “jackass.” Interestingly, this nickname was self-applied.
  • Upon hearing a statue was being erected in his honor, Harold Baines responded “…”
  • Guillen said a certain player played “like a f***ing m*********ing piece of f***** s*** a****** c******** c***,” although he couldn’t recall which specific player he was talking about.
  • Following the disastrous 2007 season, RHP Javier Vazquez called GM Kenny Williams and requested a trade to a contender. Hours later, Guillen also asked to be traded to a contender.
  • Aaron Rowand hit 85 home runs during the 2005 season, but 72 of them were hit so fast and with such tremendous strength league scorers would not acknowledge them.
  • Guillen said LHP Matt Thornton often felt “overshadowed” by Bobby Jenks. Thornton later clarified his statement by explaining “Jenks casts a shadow over all of us.” Thornton again clarified his statement with “look, he’s a big dude and I’m skinny, okay? Damn.”
  • Midway through the 2008 season, the White Sox had an opportunity to trade for Yankees 3B Alex Rodriguez but couldn’t think of a wacky enough nickname for him, as “A-Fraud” was already taken by clubhouse attendant Albert Fraudentowitz.
  • Nick Swisher was really good at Scrabble.
  • Prior to Opening Day 2006, Guillen handed a note to ESPN reporter Erin Andrews from Sox CF Brian Anderson which read “Dear Erin, Do you like me? Check one: [ ] Yes [ ] No [ ] Maybe xOxOx Brian.” Andrews reportedly responded with “[X] Who the hell is Brian Anderson? Give me Aaron Rowand any day.”
  • Guillen says he felt “betrayed” by owner Jerry Reinsdorf when payroll wasn’t increased by enough to sign the entire Minnesota Twins roster before the 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009 seasons.

3 thoughts on “Man, I’m Going to Cut You Up So Bad, That You. . . You Gonna Wish I Didn’t Cut You Up So Bad.”

  1. I forget where, but I thought I read that Pierzynski really did have a self-applied nickname: “fatty”

  2. Goddamn, man. Would that I had the wherewithall to regularly maintain a blog of this caliber through the off-season.

  3. I agree with fictional erin andrews’ statement. b.a. is a cutie but rowand had an aura of manliness to him. I think it was the constant stubble.

    dont’ get me wrong, I love pretty-boy ballplayers – but I love tough-guy ballplayers more. sorry A-Rod. sorry b.a., too.

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