I’ll Have the Grinder with Extra Salt

As first reported by reader Brian, then later by the Chicago Tribune, Sox GM Kenny Williams will be opening a multi-televisioned bar/restaurant in the West Loop. What might a restaurantgoer expect to find in such a place? We took a look into the 35th Street 8-Ball and the results didn’t disappoint:

The Grinder: The centerpiece delectable of Williams’ establishment, this remarkably cheap but only occasionally satisfying sandwich also varies seasonally. Served with cheese in spring and wild hyperbole in winter.

The Lineup: A nine-course meal advertised as a balanced, well-rounded meal but really just six slabs of the same slow beef with slightly different cuts. Restaurant manager Jose Barrios has stated constantly that the restaurant has tried to model its nine-course after that of Minneapolis-based Gardy’s, and promises it will more closely resemble its competition next year.

The Trophy: Easily the most confusing item, this rarely served dish is boasted of prominently to the press while the entire remainder of the menu is held up to its standard, yet kitchen staff avoids reordering or properly preparing new foodstuffs for a return of this local favorite. Served extremely rare yet extremely well-done.

El Lanzador Grande: A management favorite, this mega-dish comes prepared in several varieties, although the willful and repeated carving up of old, injured animals has drawn the ire of more than a few patrons.

Hawkeroo’s Can of Corn Ducks on a Pond Smörgåsbord: Not really a meal per se but an entertainment option available in which an avid golfer will sit at the table next to you explaining how the beauty of dining lies not in the food helping you live, but in how you’ve got to get out there every day and not let that table across the room not keep you from un-beating them at out-dining. He will then tell you how great the staff was at a restaurant where he worked in Boston in the late 1960s.

One thought on “I’ll Have the Grinder with Extra Salt”

  1. Don’t forget the Rotation five-course dinner. The first course is great, the second and third might be as good as you remember, but the fourth and fifth only show up every third time you order them.

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