For reasons unknown, some persons east of here continue to wage a lonely crusade to send Nick Swisher to the All-Star Game. Perhaps you remember Swisher, he of the bro-tastic attitude, gnarly facial hair and totally rad .210-something average. He once lived here.
BUT, this is not a Swisher takedown piece (Jim did a much better one today in many fewer words). What this is, instead, is a call to action for Sox fans to join arms in adopting similar cause; to rally around a great South Side nobody of dubious merit and send that man packing for St. Louis come July. I’m not talking about Paulie, JD or Carlos Quentin, as all three stand a good chance of getting there on their own, assuming Quentin doesn’t saw his hand off after failing to beat the throw to first on one good leg, but someone only sort of worthy.
Someone not quite deserving, but not quite undeserving, either. Someone we can justify but not really explain. Someone just kind of really okay. A true White Sox All-Star, if you will.
But who among them will lead us to this brave new frontier?
Alexei Ramirez, SS
Electability: High. He swings like a crazy person, which is good. But he’s hitting poorly, which is bad. But he’s also a shortstop, which means his only real competition comes from some guy.
Campaign Slogan: ELECTZEE ALEXEI. (This will look great on a homemade sign at an upcoming game. Hint, hint.)
Josh Fields, 3B
Electability: None. I knew Joe Crede. Joe Crede was a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Joe Crede.
Campaign Slogan: When he was 24, it was a very good year.
Chris Getz, 2B
Electability: Slim. A decent season for an unheralded rookie at an ignored position doesn’t scream “populist.”
Campaign Slogan: What you want, Chris Getz.
A.J. Pierzynski, C; Scott Podsednik, OF.
Electability: Excluded for having already received this treatment. Double exclusion for Pods since discovering how to hit has only made him into a poor team’s Ichiro.
Campaign Slogan: Fan appeal is so three years ago.
Jayson Nix, PH, ETC.
Electability: Negligent, but Nix is a dark horse if ever there was one. Who is he? What can he do? What position does he really play? What does it all mean? It means that .194 could use a vote of confidence, that’s what. Or, even better, a few million of them.
Campaign Slogan: Nix Clix When Folx Pix Nix!
Brian Anderson, OF
Electability: Moderate. The ladies seem to like him, but the dudes still aren’t over the string of heartbreakers before him.
Campaign Slogan: BA 4 AS CF MF!