Bold Predictions: We’re Not In Schaumburg Anymore, Chad

It’s always hilarious when the Cubs come to the South Side. Not so much the games themselves, as history has proven those usually stupid and cruel and ultimately pointless, but in the wretchedly misinformed worldviews of the pretty young girls and boys making their way to the haunted woods south of Armitage Avenue, as though the bullets fly wildly up and down 35th and a capacity crowd was exactly the place any crime-minded person would go to do their dirtywork.

Dudes in sandals and aviator sunglasses congratulating themselves because, bro, now they’ve totally seen black people – and not just in the movies!

Girls in pink t-shirts pontificating how, like, they should totally open a bar right over there where all those houses are so this could be more like Wrigleyville which is all, like, such a cute neighborhood.

Of course this generalizes. Of course not every Cubs fan is like this, and of course there are plenty of civilized supporters of the North Side Baseball Club (and, trust me, there’s no shortage of idiotic Sox fan, either), but the point is not that the losers even exist. No, the point is that the losers are why this weekend is great and why, as long as our fair city stays so wildly divided across so many socioeconomic lines, it always will be. Big Ed and Little Trixie, forced to share the same space in a vain attempt to prove they are superior to the other, get their annual turn at a theoretically fantastic debate on everything wrong in Chicago and instead just use it as an excuse to scream their guts out over things like bars and nachos and beer while people they don’t know play sports a few hundred feet away.

It’s the greatest thing in the world. Love thy neighbor? No way man, but get me one of those churros while you’re up.

Four Walls Won’t Hold Them Tonight. Jose Contreras is pitching extremely well. On the other hand, Randy Wells is a rookie pitcher the Sox have never seen. This cannot have a pleasant outcome for the Good Guys.

They Told Him, “Don’t You Ever Come Around Here.” Ryan Dempster has a career 9.82 ERA in six games at Comiskey, although five of those games were as a reliever. The Sox will counter by sending Mark Buehrle to the hill Saturday afternoon. Buehrle, as you may recall, is awesome.

Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’. On the Red Line today, I saw a guy wearing a Gordon Beckham jersey t-shirt. The guy looked to be at least 30 years old, and in light of Bacon Spice being a meager 22 I felt compelled to walk over to that stranger and say “Your life is over.” But I never got the chance. Dude got off at Addison.

Prediction: Sox take two of three, yet the Cubs get all the good press and at least one fan shows up in a studded glove and MJ shades. Believe.

2 thoughts on “Bold Predictions: We’re Not In Schaumburg Anymore, Chad”

  1. typing this on my iphone on the red line to the cell…wish all these cub fans would just beat it, beat it.

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