If the Hanshin Tigers actually drop off their allegedly cursed Col. Sanders statue at Wrigley Field, could that be the final piece for karmic vengeance the Small Bears have needed for so long?

Could the Colonel’s winning smile give the Cubs some winning ways?

Would the big gray colonel end the billy goat’s curse?

No, of course not and you’re an idiot if you fall for such nonsense. Or if you help perpetuate it. But while we here on 35th Street might laugh in the faces of those feeble-minded types ready to blame goats and cats before they blame young pitchers in over their heads or deeply flawed rosters, let us also offer up some alternate suggestions for curse extraction should the good Colonel’s plan fall through:

1. Erect a statue of Sammy Sosa to remove the Curse of Eternally Shameful Franchise Operations.
2. Trade Ron Santo for Hawk Harrelson.
3. Land some arms rather than focusing on bats to beat the Curse of Terrible Middle Relievers.
4. Field a team exclusively of married family men; no self-respecting bachelor is at his best by 1:20pm. Not a one.
5. Stop publishing books called “This is the Year!” unless “This is the Year!” means “The Year the Mightiest Team in the National League Curls Up and Dies!”
6. Outlaw slogans such as “It’s Our Turn” and “It’s Gonna Happen.” It’s not. And it won’t.
7. Destroy Wrigley Field and once and for all incinerate the Curse of the Cursingest Cursors Ever Cursed With Curses.
8. Rather than market your team’s epic feats of losing, focus on its proud tradition of winning. HAHA oh wait.